A square to spare.

We've all been there, a tough day at work, that bloated feeling, you get home to your fortress of solitude, the sanctuary if you will, sit down to begin a transaction and you suddenly realize there's no toilet paper. One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes is where Elaine is in the restroom without any paper and she pleads with the person in the next stall (known as an opponent) for a few squares, only to be rebuffed. The opponent claims she doesn't have a square to spare. It's part of the human experience and we've all been there weather we admit it or not.

So, now that we've identified a real problem, what do we do about it? I'm glad you asked. Here are my suggestions. Some of these tips are for public bathrooms and some can be used at home.

1. If you're a new mother, you're probably all set, use the wipes you've stored in your purse for just such an emergency. (be careful to NOT use Clorox wipes under any circumstances)
2. If you have any tissue on you, use it. Admittedly that's a stretch because most people don't carry that much tissue. (however see the exotic suggestions section if you find yourself in this situation)
3. If you have a cell phone (this one has been used successfully by one of my coworkers) and you are in a store, call the store and tell them you're in their crapper and you need paper NOW. (Resist the urge to dial 911 unless you are facing a potentially dangerous situation)
4. If you are at home and you already know you are out of paper, find some soft paper that will flush, tissue, paper towel (be careful not to use a full sheet at a time or it will clog your crapper) I've even heard of using coffee filters in a pinch. Also a wet rag is nice but it has a little ick factor due to the streaks, just rinse it out in hot water and soap and it'll be ok.
5. If you are at home, you can choose the NO PAPER route and shower after.

There are a few more exotic suggestions. If you are prone to reasonably firm loaves instead of the more liquid splattering, you can sit on the seat in such a way that you spread your cheeks wide thus eliminating contact with the part of the buttocks that gets soiled. This technique is known as having the bay doors fully open. There are times when this technique works so well there is no real need for paper. If you've been to Asia you probably have encountered the squatty potty, a perfect example of a design taking advantage of this technique, however you must be a wiry little bugger to use those comfortably.

You could install a bidet, some of the fancier ones provide a completely hands off experience. Others require a quick pat dry using very little paper. Sadly Americans are way behind a huge chunk of the modernized world in bidet implementation. Admittedly that takes a great deal of planning ahead of time, but if you decide to do it, you're need for paper will be dramatically reduced. It is also highly recommended if you suffer from the heartbreak of the occasional hemorrhoidal flareup. When most Americans think of Bidets, we think of a separate fixture in the bathroom next to the toilet but there are many many models of bidet gadgets that fit onto an existing toilet. They range in price from about $50 to $1500 depending on the level of opulence you require.

So in conclusion, if you find yourself in a no paper dilemma, maybe one of these tips or tricks will help you out.